Last night I had a terrifying nightmare. I dreamt that Hip-Hop had never been invented, and music around the world was just horrible. I woke up, realized that it was all a dream, then downed 4 shots of bourbon, a Xanax, and 3 Ambien before peacefully falling back to sleep.
But as I was slipping into that sweet, syrupy bliss that can only be achieved by the aforementioned cocktail, I started to think about some of the top Hip-Hop artists of today and what they would be doing for a living had Hip-Hop never been an option. Some of the artists were a bit too easy to place into new job situations. Pharrel = Arby’s Restaurant Owner, Andre 3000 = Old Timey Farmer, 2 Chainz = Host of The View/Whoopi Goldberg, Lil’ Kim = Hooker, and Kanye West = Skier/Luger. Lets take a look.
1. PHARRELL WILLIAMS: Restaurant Chain Owner
Pharrell loves his roast beef (as evidenced by his girlfriend) and clearly has an affinity for the Arby’s restaurant chain. I could see him succeeding as the owner of a bunch of locations.
2. ANDRE 3000: Old Timey Farmer
Dude has never really gone for the whole hip hop style thing. Andre’s always trying for something different. But sometimes you reach so far out there, that you just end up in the rural mid west in 1924.
3. 2 CHAINZ: Host of “The View”
2 Chainz is dope. And if he wasn’t able to rap, he’d still be just as dope… as the co-host of the “The View” on ABC. Dude looks like he would fit right in, because he is a dead ringer for Whoopi!
4. LIL’ KIM: Working Girl (Prostitute)
No need for a side by side for this one. She looks like a hooker my weird uncle was in love with for his whole adult life. That hooker turned out to be a dude, and no, my uncle didn’t even care.
5. KANYE: Olympian
Last but not least….KW. Maybe skier or Luger? Small time crook? Yeezus really loves a MASK! Something along those lines? Leave your thoughts in the comments if you have any better ideas.
In the end, we will never have to face the realities I’ve suggested here, thank god. But if anyone of these fool’s careers tanked, they could certainly refer to this article for some occupational guidance. Peace. Also,Happy Birthday to FAT JEW, who turns 23 today!