Ralph Lauren Dreads

Despite all of our differences as a human race, all of our disagreements about race, religion, culture, and art, there has always been one thing that we can all agree on:

White men with dreads are the worst.

Obviously white men with dreads don’t think they’re the worst; there are definitely people in Europe who are still into drum-and-bass music that accept them, and I’m sure some crunchy liberal-art school girls who listen to folk music and had a lesbian phase enjoy them as well. But outside of them, white dreads are universally hated.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting a “Chad Marley” (as I like to call them), here is a graph to aid you in understanding just what we’re dealing with:

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Now do you understand? Further proof is Adam Duritz from The Counting Crows:

Ralph Lauren Dreads

Terrifying.

Normally these monsters are confined to their cages, which come in the form of college campuses, the Bonnaroo Music Festival, Europe, and the Pacific Northwest, but now everything is changing. Ralph Lipschitz — known to the world as iconic fashion designer/filthy rich bisexual Ralph Lauren — has decided to make white guys with dreads the hot new brand of male model. And I for one, am not just going to sit back and let it happen.

Now, I’m all for “alternative” male models, in fact I went to college with an albino with red eyeballs who would later be a model for Givenchy. Midget models? Cool. 6-foot-5 transvestites with penises and breast implants carrying ice picks with them down the runway? Amazing. Everything from this Hood By Air freak/fashion show was just wonderful.

But I cannot accept this:

Ralph Lauren Dreads

Or this:

Ralph Lauren Dreads

I just can’t.

It’s tough to say whether Ralph actually likes this look, or is just seeing how much he can get away with. When you’re that bossy and powerful, people lap up whatever you throw at them, and it’s always tempting to produce the worst product possible just to see if people still go nuts over it. Which they inevitably will.

Remember in the mid-2000′s when Eminem decided to stop being an ubër-talented rapper and start popping more pills than a divorced white woman in Los Angeles and rapping like a complete moron?

“Football, Football, I love football/Yes, tres, dos, uno/Dos, tres, f*ck, sh*t, b*tch/a**hole son of a b*tch/Everybody cuddle, blah I mean huddle/I just stepped in a mud puddle, butthole!”

Yes, he actually said that on a song in 2008. He was seeing what he could get away with. PS: people still bought his music.

This Caucasian dread movement might be a giant troll by Lauren, a test to see how loyal his fanboys are to him. Or maybe he likes the White-Rastafarian-with-a-communications-degree look and thinks that it’s marketable in the fashion realm.

Either way, the consequences will be dire, because as with any form of mass media, it will inspire a wave of morons to adopt the look. Just like the person packing up his/her possessions right now to move to Greenpoint Brooklyn because of Girls, or the thousands of vapid idiots named Rachel and Jen who moved to Manhattan to live out their Sex and the City PR fantasies, white men will consume this idea, and follow it. And does anybody want more white men with dreadlocks running around in the world?

DON’T WE ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH TERRIBLE SH*T HAPPENING ON PLANET EARTH PEOPLE??

So, I’ve drafted a petition to prevent Ralph Lauren from using white men with dreads as his models. Please sign it. George Washington would have hated white dudes with dreads, so do it for him. Do it for America. Use your voice, or risk your children living in a world where people look like the lead singer from Counting Crows. Remember the photo from earlier? Gross.

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Please, click here to sign the petition. Do it for me. Do it for you. Do it for the future.

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Ralph Lauren Dreads