Miley Cyrus

So Miley Cyrus is performing tonight at the annual Z100 Jingle Ball. Robin Thicke‘s also gonna be there performing, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis will be looking and acting ridiculous. New York City’s most affluent and ritzy citizens will be in attendance. Just kidding, it will be a bunch of screaming teens. Should be a blast.

As luck would have it, I’m in New York right now. Perfect! I write about pop culture, music, fashion, so it really wouldn’t be that insane for me to go to an event like this and actually review it. But no, this year I decided to do something a little different.

I’m going to review the show right now, this morning, before it even happens.

You may be asking yourself, “How is that possible? How can someone review something properly and thoughtfully without having actually seen it?”

I think normally those would be valid questions. But trust me, I got this. The reality about Miley is that she is completely predictable in terms of her performance ability. So unless she has a trained falcon, dresses up in a little SS officer outfit and starts screaming anti-semetic slurs at the the audience, or pulls down her pants revealing an 8-inch penis, I’m pretty sure we can all expect the usual from Miley.

Here is my official review: It’s not gonna be good. It’s not going to be horrible, or unwatchable, it’s just not going to be well done. It’s not Miley’s style to do anything great. The show might be fun. You might have a good time if you’re drunk, or with your significant other, or high on drugs, or an assh*le, or someone who thinks celebrities aren’t completely worthless.  But the truth about tonight is that Miley is going to sound pretty much the way she always does: underwhelming. That is what she does. That is who she is: A moderately decent performer.

If you strip away her sexually provocative nature, you remove her slutty clothing and twerking, her barely passable dancing (is it fair to even it call it dancing? Don’t want to offend any actual dancers reading this), then Miley is just, well…Meh.

All that being said, she is a huge star. She is likable on many levels, just not as a performer. In some ways you got to give her credit, she’s accomplished a lot considering her talent level. I applaud her uncanny ability to just “do her.” It’s actually kind of awesome.

But a groundbreaking performer she is not. Everything she does has all been done before a million times over.

So if you’re going tonight, have fun. If you’re not, have even more fun.

RELATED: DON’T BE MAD AT MILEY CYRUS

Miley Cyrus: An Advance Review Of Her Performance Tonight at MSG