If you’re in a places that isn’t California or Australia, it’s probably cold outside. Which means that you’re probably inside, and probably need some distractions. Thankfully, there’s nothing more entertainingly distracting than rap songs by people who have no business rapping.
So, for this week’s SlamXSounds, we present the best, worst, and occasionally ugliest stuff that the world of music has to offer: 12 Absurd Rap Songs By Non-Rappers.
Shaq “I’m Outstanding”
Aaron Carter “That’s How I Beat Shaq”
Hopefully, whichever A&R rep let Aaron Carter rap is now doing doing something more befitting his meager talent scouting skills, like working at a gas station.
LeBron James “N***** In Paris (Freestyle)”
Rappers may want to be basketball players and basketball players may want to be rappers, but as LeBron James and his Instagram freestyles illustrate, athleticism does not translate to lyrical dexterity.
Rodney Dangerfield “No Respect”
Rodney Dangerfield‘s rap career garnered as much respect as the title of his single.
Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch “I Need Money”
Before he had his hand in seemingly every Hollywood movie and television project from Entourage to Lone Survivor to The Wahlburgers, Mark Wahlberg was a cocaine-addicted rapper, sampling Ronald Reagan, and talking about needing cash.
Kevin Federline “Lose Control”
No. Just no.
Hulk Hogan “Beach Patrol”
A Baywatch–themed rap song from Hulk Hogan? You’re welcome/I’m sorry.
Mel Brooks “To Be Or Not To Be (The Hitler Rap Song)”
It’s unclear which is weirder: Mel Brooks‘ informative Hitler-themed bars or his thong-wearing female and shirtless male dancers reinterpreting WWII as a sexy dance party.
Macho Man Randy Savage Be A Man
Yes, it’s a 45-minute album of one of the most iconic wrestlers ever screaming/moaning into a microphone.
Chunk Dirty vs. Supa Hot Spitta X Mute Spitta
Leave it to a bunch of California theatre school kids to come up with a a fake rap battle featuring a mute freestyler.
Joaquin Phoenix “I’m Still Here” (Rap From LIV in Miami)
In retrospect, how he got to perform at one of the biggest clubs in Miami is far more confusing than what the hell Joaquin Phoenix was doing rapping for I’m Still Here.
Tom Hanks & Dan Aykroyd “City of Crime”
Before he was Big, Castaway, or Captain Phillips, Tom Hanks was a Beastie Boys knock off with Dan Aykroyd. Their song ends up being an informational PSA about your rights upon arrest, so at least it’s informative.