When SXSW kicks off on March 7th in Austin, there will be a new, terrible guest: iTunes. The streaming service, who’s run a 30-day free festival series in London for the last 7 years, is importing a condensed-version of that pop music dribble stateside called “SXSW Music Festival.”

Of all the carnival-like music events that are part of SXSW, iTunes’ adds the least value. ACTUALLY, it does detriment to the broader music, film, and tech festival which has become so packed with sub-events, sponsorships, and co-promoted things, that can be a nightmare for real music fans.

I’ll give you 8 reasons why iTunes SXSW Music Festival is going to be terrible. Spoiler: they’re all the acts that have been billed for the event.

Coldplay

iTunes SXSW Music Festival

Someone told me once that, statistically, humans who identify themselves as Coldplay fans have the least sex of any other humans. It that true? Probably.

Keith Urban

KEITH_URBAN

Keith Urban makes me hate the inventor of music.

Pitbull

iTunes SXSW Music Festival

Fat Jew found a tweet that puts it perfectly:

PITBULL_TWEET

Imagine Dragons

IMAGINE_DRAGONS

Yeah, they kind of killed it with Kendrick Lamar at The Grammys, but can you really think about taking more than 90 seconds of this…

ZEDD

iTunes SXSW Music Festival

Listen to this 12-year-old boy play music off his iPhone.

London Grammar

LONDON_GRAMMER

London Grammar is a three-piece pop band from Nottingham, England that makes such yawn-inducing-ly dainty songs as the one embedded below. What are you going to do at one of their shows? Hold your girlfriend’s hand and profess your love to her? Sway back-and-forth with a blank look on your face? Appreciate the sublime chord progression of their  “Nightcall” cover?

G.R.L

GRL

Thank you iTunes for bringing us this random girl band. Where did they come from? Most likely hell.

Mickey Guyton

MICKEY_GUYTON

When I googled “Mickey Guyton” because I didn’t know who it was, this picture came up. Is it him/her? No idea, but Mickey Guyton is probably as entertaining as the 1940s singer in this picture.

Willie Nelson

WILLIE_NELSON

And then we come to the legend that is Willie Nelson. Somehow iTunes got him on the bill. Hopefully he’ll be so high that he doesn’t find out the event he’s playing and retire from music out of soul-crushing shame.

Here’s a link to the festival’s website so you can find out when and where it is and thus, more successfully avoid it.

You’re welcome. I’m sorry.

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iTunes SXSW Music Festival