Although I’m not an Olympic athlete, if being part of Team USA is anything like the movie Miracle, it means years of intense training, world class coaching, a strong work ethic, and a determination to defeat the Soviet Union at the height of the Cold War.
While that viewpoint may not be 100% applicable to this years winter games in Sochi, Team USA is back, and sitting at the top of the medal count. Although our national athletic accomplishments are certainly inspiring, shockingly few people have been commenting on how American athletes have been doing style-wise.
Since everybody knows that 50% of sports is how you look doing them, here is the good, the bad, and the really bad of U.S. Olympic fashion.
Meryl Davis and Charlie White, Ice Dancing
This high powered ice dancing duo may have won the gold medal, but their Salvation Army attempt to recreate the costumes from the Disney classic Aladdin didn’t cut it.
The Shibutani Siblings, Ice Dancing
I am 100% behind Alex and Maia Shibutani’s sequined ninja outfits.
Jason Brown, Figure Skating
Crowd favorite Jason Brown may not have medaled, but his “Riverdance” outfit looks like it was hand knitted by a team of magical fashion-forward elves, and I dig it.
Gracie Gold, Figure Skating
Why hasn’t Givenchy started designing custom figure skating outfits yet?
Lolo Jones, Bobsled
Coming in 11th has never looked so good.
Stephen Holcomb, Bobsled
Coming in 1st has never looked so bad.
John Shuster, Curling
I’m pretty sure John Shuster woke up naked in a vodka induced stupor, put on a robe, ran outside, and bought this entire outfit from the Olympic Park Store less than an hour before the competition.
Bode Miller, Skiing
American great Bode Miller (who has clearly entered his skiing golden years) channels a 1970’s hospital nurse in this all white unitard.
Shaun White, Snowboard
Who among us doesn’t miss Shaun White’s billowing, Phoenix-like, flame-red flow?
Jeremy Abbott, Figure Skating
Jeremy Abbott may be a world class athlete, but this outfit is more fitting for a leathery Florida retiree who spends long weekends showing his wife’s Shitzu’s at local dog shows.
Team USA, Opening Ceremonies
It’s a testament to the greatness of USA athletics that a group of people can look so epic while wearing the very same sweater my blind grandmother knitted for me last Christmas.
Let’s finish Sochi 2014 in style.