Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a celebration of love, happiness, flowers, and rainbows. In reality though, it’s a day of having to rise to the lofty expectations of romance that Disney movies ingrained in young women.
Here’s how you survive the day: surprise your girlfriend/ f*ck buddy/ random Starbucks Barista who has nice cheekbones with something nice on Friday morning — VDay is on Friday FYI — and watch the sex roll in.
We consulted SlamXHype’s resident female gift-giving editor to pick out 8 items that will make her underpants so wet you could baptize a baby in them.
Giuseppe Zanotti Coline Cutout Suede Sandals
High heels are always a good call. The higher the better. The strap-ier the better. The more expensive the better.
Proenza Schouler PS Python Backpack
Bags are a good look. But everyone gets bags Go with a backpack from Proenza Schouler; they’re apparently the hot new thing on the #womenswear streets.
Bergdorf Goodman has it for $2,950.
A Very Expensive Dog
Getting your girl a puppy is the ultimate Valentine’s Day power move. It’s an intense commitment and can easily backfire — i.e. into bringing your relationship to a new, uncomfortably committed level — but if you’re going to do it, go all the way an get her one of the 10 most expensive dogs.
Anything From Public School’s New Womenswear Line
This may have to be a belated gift because it’s unclear when Dao-Yi Chow and Maxwell Osborne will be releasing their new womenswear line, but its debut at the Public School NYFW show was a unanimous hit.
Agent Provocateur Silver Nipple Pasties
Lingerie may be the gift that keeps on giving, but it’s just too obvious. Opt for something sexy, but out-of-the-box: metal pasties from the hottest female undergarment makers on the planet, Agent Provocatuer.
The set is $90 on the company’s webstore. Even if you’re not going to buy them, visit their site anyway. It’s amazing.
Delafee’s Gold Ice Cubes Kit
Why chill your Valentine’s Day drinks with normal ice, when you can use ice with gold flakes in them?
Delafee’s webstore has kits for €49.
A Korean Spa Day
Says SlamXHype’s resident female gift-giving editor: “You’ll get your body scrub by a 60-year-old Korean woman in black lingerie… and she’ll leave you with skin that’s softer than a baby’s ass.”
Just search “Korean Spa + The Name Of Your City” to find one near you.
Maison Martin Margiela Stacked Faux Diamond Ring
Giving your girl a single diamond ring = an engagement. Giving her a whole finger ring from Maison Martin Margiela = getting immediately laid.
Get it from ShopBop for $775.